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Professionally, it's been one hell of an emotional roller coaster for the past month, but the ride seems to have smoothed out a bit. That, or I've become numb to the twists and turns.
Last month saw some of the darkest days of my career, while, on the other hand, I'd put these past two weeks among the top of my list. I've theorized before that for every bad thing that happens, an equally good thing happens, and vice versa, at least for me. It's all one big metaphysical, celestial balancing act. I hate to be such a fatalist, but whenever something good comes my way, I often find myself waiting for the bad thing lurking around the corner that will cancel it out (see "greatest experiences", then "crab" in Boston archive entry). But on the other side of the coin, when something horrible happens, I am able to console myself by thinking that things will get better (by asking whether they could get worse).
The latest calamity in my life has been no exception. Early last month, I was called into an office to be told that I am being transferred -- involuntarily, and with no prior warning, at least officially -- to another department. It's no secret that I wasn't happy in my previous position. But where I'm going is no better, and in many ways, it's far worse. There's a reason why, with very few exceptions, people transfer out of that particular part of the business instead of the other way around.
I promised I wouldn't write about work any more. I still promise that. But work has been a catalyst for something broader, which is why I need to go there.
After I was told, I was horrified, then angry, then depressed. I nearly quit on the spot. This was my reward for years of service, praise, excellent reviews and raises? To have control over my career taken from me?
But somehow, in the past month, my outlook has changed. Not only in my career, but in my life as well. I've never been more confident in myself and my abilities. I can't really explain the change. During my last two weeks at my old job, I created designs I was actually proud of. That's not something I'd ever been able to or want to say before. I received compliments on various things I'd written and items I'd worked on, and more than one person thanked me for ideas I'd contributed. For every question or challenge, I had a solution. I beamed. I felt respected. For once, I liked what I was doing.
I don't know if the sudden flurry of creativity was instigated by my newfound confidence, or whether my confidence jarred something free inside my head that had been a roadblock to creativity. They say that you come out of adversity a stronger, better person. I can't say that I've completely come out of it. But I'm emerging.
In the past, when life handed me lemons, I never made lemonade. I turned it inward and blamed myself. "If you weren't so [fat] [ugly] [dumb], you wouldn't have been treated that way," were three immediate reactions.
But now, I know I deserve better than I was treated. And I know and I will make some good come out of it.
I think this train wreck was the kick in the ass I needed to make things happen with myself and my career. I hope one day to be able to turn this around and say that this was one of the best things to happen to me.
It will get better. I've never been more sure.
Current mood: Optimistic
Replies: 1 shoutout
woo-hoo! [and the stadium rises as one to cheer.] well put.
Posted by rj @ 01/12/2004 12:23 PM EST