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My rowing team is planning to enter an eight (a boat with eight rowers) into the Head of the Charles, a prestigious, ginormous international regatta held in Boston every year. Thousands of people line the shores of the Charles River to watch. The regatta is very hard to get into, and therefore a limited number of our rowers will be able to go. The competition is incredible, and chances are good we will get our butts kicked. If we finish in the middle of the pack, that will be a huge accomplishment. But for crews like us -- and I just speak realistically -- you really can't go there expecting to win; you go to say you were there (and maybe have a respectable finish).
This morning, the coach asked the rowers who are interested in going to stand over there, and he pointed to a spot far enough away that would segregate the crowd of about 25 women standing around.
All of the members of my boat walked over, except me.
When several of them realized I wasn't with the Boston group, they seemed worried. They started to call out my name and gestured at me to join them. I shrugged like a dumbass. I was put on the spot and clammed up like I normally do in those situations.
I felt horrible, because I had made my decision not to go a week ago but hadn't discussed it with them. This was their first and only indication I wasn't going. Understandably, they were shocked I had suddenly dropped out, in their eyes. I felt as if I were letting them down. I've been stressed all day as a result.
I must have been a topic of discussion after I left practice. I got a phone message from a fellow rower asking me to please either call her or another rower to talk it over. Then I got a series of e-mails explaining that the coach had planned for me to be in the Boston boat but now he doesn't know what to do.
I just don't think our pocketbook is deep enough to cover everything coming up on our plate: We're planning a trip to NYC in September; Boston is in October; yet another regatta is in November, one that the team traditionally goes to every year, which means everyone is expected to participate. And I had planned to buy a laptop while I still can afford one.
I'd love to go to Boston; it's one of two big regattas to which I've never been. Maybe I should pass on the laptop and just go. Something definitely has to give. I'm hoping a couple of nights' sleep will help me resolve this.
Current mood: Stressed