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I recently chatted with a stay-at-home mom who has a master's degree. I'll admit up front that I know little about her family or personal life, so let's take that out of the equation. The thing that miffed me: the thought of an extremely well-educated woman not working, not pursuing the career she presumably spent up to six years of college studying -- and pouring money into.
I've always told myself, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" -- a religious quote, yes, but one general enough, like the Golden Rule, to be meaningful even to non-religious people like me. And I'm also a firm believer that keeping house and taking care of kids is a full-time job and beneficial for children.
Then why am I so bitter about the Master's Mommy? I think a part of it is simply 'cause I don't relate to it, and that's why I keep having to repeat that quote to myself. If I had put that much effort into school, into a thesis, I damn well would be using it. I, I, I. That's the judgmental part of me talking.
Again, stay-at-home moms are a good thing. But why pursue a degree -- a graduate degree -- and cast it aside? I just wish more women -- specifically, intelligent women who have been privileged enough to have been able to go to college and earn a degree -- had the desire and ambition to rise above traditional women's roles. You've been handed the tools; do something with them.
The BF has told me in the past that I could quit my job if I had to or go part time if I wanted to. But for as many complaints I have about my job, I could never do that, and that's more of a selfish decision than anything else. I want to -- need to -- feel as though I'm putting in an equal amount of effort into our relationship, and that includes financially. Maybe that's part of the shift in thinking with us GenXers. I'm fiercely independent (but willingly sharing my life with my partner, of course), and I want to be able to stand on my own two feet if something bad should happen. (An optimist would say that nothing bad will to happen if you live your life properly and carefully. But the GenXer in me says live freely but always be prepared for the worst.)
You could say that the Master's Mommy sacrificed her career for the sake of her children, and that's admirable. I'm guessing here, but I figure the couple had discussed having a parent at home full-time, and since he made more money than she did, it made more sense for her to stop working than him. That's fine. I think another part of my resentment comes from my belief that fulfilling my life and my needs is as important as his, or even the children's. Not any more important, mind you, just as. A recent Newsweek My Turn column was by a woman who, after a decade of marriage and homemaking, had discovered that it wasn't in her heart. She got a divorce to pursue a career in the music industry (she wasn't a musician but I think an exec of some sort). When her husband asked for full custody of their daughter, she did not protest. Many appalled friends spurned her, asking, "As a mom, how could you abandon your daughter?" Even her daughter resented her for a long time. Now, years later, she and her daughter are best friends, and she still keeps in touch with her ex.
I'm not advocating that extreme an example, but I respected her bravery and the strength it took to stand up for what she needed to do for herself. You only live once, and at the end of the day, I want to feel as though I made the most of it.
Replies: 7 shoutouts
What about education for education's sake? I'm much happier with an educated woman staying at home and raising and child -- and presumably passing on her love of education to said child -- than going off to work to benefit who? And benefit in what way? Buy more "things" or fulfill selfish needs? Having children is supposed to be selfless.
Rant. rant. rant. :-) Love ya Huffy!
Posted by Kim @ 12/23/2002 12:45 AM EST
Thanks to those who added their $.02. I welcome your opinions and need some perspective other than my own selfish thoughts.
Posted by Huffy @ 12/23/2002 12:23 AM EST
You're "miffed" at "the thought of an extremely well-educated woman not working." Instead she's chosen to "stay at home".
That terminology and the social realities behind it deserve a little slice of miff, don't you think? Child-rearing is work, and the woman in question stays at home to do it.
Our society confers more value on an academic degree than the accomplishment of bringing up a child.
I know few people at the master's level who directly use their degree. My own MS in engineering serves to open the door, but as in he case of another poster, my present field barely existed six years ago, much less 18 years ago when I graduated.
How many years has the "master's mom" stayed at home? Once a child reaches school age, is there really a justification for staying home and essentially waiting out the 6 or 7 hours they're at school? I believe the true budget for being unemployed (but working nonetheless, staying at home) is about 3 years per child. If the children are close in age, part of the sentence can be served concurrently.
I say all this as a father who is unfortunately divorced but fortunate to be employed at home with my son's school right around the corner. This experience proved to me that it can be done, and that it should not be something available only to white male parents who happen to work for a progressive employer.
Here is where you should be miffed: Far too much of our society plays lip service to policies to allow professionals to mix child-rearing and career while seeking a return to "traditional family values"--code for you the female composting a career into a series of stagnant starter jobs.
Posted by Stuart @ 12/22/2002 09:26 AM EST
My personal opinion: Feminism has come full circle when women can choose to stay home (read: not be coerced to) if they want. Knowing they have the option of going back to work when and if they want. The big question: Would the dad stay home and be OK with the woman working if that worked out best for that particular relationship? That's the true test of equality.
Posted by tiff @ 12/20/2002 09:44 PM EST
I'm mainly bothered by women who earn degrees and then have no desire to break out of traditional women's roles, even though they have been given the tools to do so. I wish there were more women who want to be in positions of power and who can be role models for girls.
(I'm not a great communicator, which explains why I'm not a writer and why the main thread doesn't seem to have a clear point...)
Posted by Huffstuff @ 12/19/2002 11:49 PM EST
I have an AA I'm not using if anyone needs one.
Posted by Richard @ 12/19/2002 10:00 AM EST
Maybe it's nothing more complicated than Things Change. I spent six years in college pursuing a double major and I've never used half of my dual degree professionally. And I doubt I ever will.
Plus, much of my living nowadays is made in a field that didn't even exist when I was in college (as far as I knew).
Posted by D @ 12/19/2002 07:45 AM EST